She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
