Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
