I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
