I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
