If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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