I faked an abortion last night.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
