from now on my penis is your penis
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
