I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
