the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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