based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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