don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
