I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
