I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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