You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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