i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
