He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
