Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
