She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
