nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
