I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How's work?
Spinning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
