i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
