There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
