I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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