Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize