mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
