My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
