Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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