Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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