I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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