He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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