It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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