Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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