I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
