Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
