im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
