I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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