dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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