Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
