Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
