my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
