Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
