96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
