woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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