Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
