You're so nebulous sometimes
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
