she peed on how many people?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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