you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh god it's open bar.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
