the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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