I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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