Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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