remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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