Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
